REFLECTIONS ON THE CORONAVIRUS – day 63 –
Yesterday, on May 23, I woke up feeling groggy and almost hungover. I felt achy, low energy, and just wanted to sleep all day. I went out for my usual early morning walk. I tried to do my morning yoga and breathing practice when I returned. After 20 minutes, I gave up and gave into my urge to go down for a nap. I had two long naps during the day, and during each one I dreamt about my daughter Juni. After the second dream, it occurred to me that I missed her terribly.
Still half asleep, I heard this message: this is what grief looks like.
I had the luxury of living with Juni and my granddaughter Padme for over two months during this pandemic. I got to bond with Padme, who was two months old when they moved in. I had lots of opportunities to hold her, play with her, and watch her grow. Juni and I grew closer, formed a new relationship and deeper connection. I got to witness her thrive in her role as new mother.
Now Juni is back with her partner and we are having contact only by phone. As I’m feeling my sadness, I realize how much I’m also missing my other daughters and close friends. Somehow the occasional phone call or video chat just isn’t the same.
I know we’re all connected, we’re all one. I know we’re never alone. Yet here I am missing my dear human connections. I miss looking into their eyes, seeing into their soul, and feeling their love, for it is then the idea of our interconnection becomes a known reality to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been enjoying this time of slowing down, driving and doing less, and investing more to my daily practice and inner work. My inner work has led me to rethinking my priorities. I’ve been delighting in the return of regular family time. Before Juni moved out, all of us, the four adults and baby, would sit down together for dinner and for shows afterwards. And, I’ve been feeling so fulfilled by having more time and energy for my writing and teaching. There have been so many gifts from this time. And, I’m coming to see this grief as one of those gifts.
Grief can be an aspect of love.
When Juni and Padme moved in with us I knew it would be temporary. I knew we each had a destiny that would eventually call us to lead separate lives and dwell in our own distinct homes. I knew this wouldn’t diminish our love, sever our connection, or keep us from being close. I am so very grateful we were granted this time together. I can feel grief and at the same time not be attached to anything being different than it is.
Grief and acceptance can coexist.
What made me feel so groggy and low energy was not the grief. It was the resistance to feeling the grief. It takes a lot of energy to block emotions. In opening to the grief, I also got in touch with some guilt tangled up with the grief. I felt guilty I wasn’t doing more to stay connected to those I missed. I felt guilty I had it so much better than many people I knew who were living alone during this pandemic or locked in with people they didn’t get along with.
There was also some anxiety hovering around the edges. I have been worried about how to maintain my new priorities and the other gifts from this time as the world returns to normal.
How about you? How much energy do you expend in blocking your emotions? What feelings would you discover if you let go of the resistance? What is the message your emotions are waiting to reveal to you?
