Fall on My Face

Suddenly I was airborne, falling down the entire flight of stairs, thirteen steps to be exact. Time slowed down. I watched myself try to regain my footing after my socked foot slipped off the top step. I witnessed myself drop the items I had been carrying and try to grab at a railing or at anything. Next, I observed my body tumbling, going from feet first to head first. I had access to the part of me that was neutral awareness, while another was bracing for a fall. I hit the tile floor first with my hands and face. My body followed, and I laid there crumpled on the floor.

We left home for the ER at 11:30 PM and returned shortly after 3 AM. The visit revealed one of my fingers had an avulsion fracture. I had bruises, nasty scrapes, even inside my mouth, and I was sore all over. My daughters were worried I had a concussion.

I don’t believe in accidents. I knew this was a wake-up call. Thus, in addition to making a practical decision to hold onto the railing and not wear just socks when coming down the stairs, I set out to discover what my subconscious or higher self was trying to tell me.

Two weeks prior, I received a message in meditation I sensed might be connected. It was during a time when I was out straight with a packed schedule over a prolonged period. The message was, “you have taken the burden of breadwinner on your shoulders, because you are not trusting the higher power to support you.” I shared this message with a couple friends, and made effort to lighten my schedule.

When one friend heard about my fall, she shared she was pretty certain I had not fully heeded this message and the fall was the Universe delivering the message once again in a loud and clear way. Another friend told me she thought my schedule of workshops and expos seemed overly ambitious. I could see how my ambition was influenced by pride and ego.

I’ve heard when we climb the ladder of success with ego, pride, and ambition, we almost always fall flat on our face.

I wondered how to go about fully heeding this message. Simply changing my schedule didn’t work, nor, I know from experience, would changing anything in the outer world. So I set out to examine my attachments and beliefs. I saw a repeating thought, I’m not doing enough. I’m not doing enough to bring in money. I’m not doing enough to get my work out into the world. I’m not doing enough to help people, society, or the Earth. I discovered underneath those thoughts was an ego identification to various roles, such as breadwinner, healer, writer, educator, and change-maker.

I knew I came into this world to help wake people up and assist them through the challenging times of climate change with its inevitable impact on society. I’d be of no use then if I fell asleep. By identifying with the role and thinking the role somehow made me special, I’d essentially gone to sleep to who I truly am.

Not only was I identified with those roles, but I’d become attached to their agendas. Each of these roles came with a list of “shoulds.” These “shoulds” along with the belief I’m not doing enough catapulted me into overdrive. Instead of doing my best to stay present and in the flow, listen and follow guidance, and do just what was before me, I began to push the river. I began to focus on success in the external world. Oh my word!!! My marketing should have gone out weeks ago!!! How am I going to pay for the venue? How am I going to make an impact on the world? I’ll be up all night!

Then I began to feel resentful about how much I was working, especially compared to the rest of my family. I resented that I didn’t have as much time for my friends and loved ones and self-care. I vacillated between feeling I wasn’t doing enough and I was doing too much.

My new practice? Whenever I feel myself begin to tighten, rev up, or get anxious, I slow down, breathe, and relax into a sense of ease and flow, and allow the action to arise from there. Whenever I worry I’m not doing enough, feel a need to push things along, or sense I’m going into overdrive, I pause, do my best to become present, and listen within. The temptation then is to just kick back and tune out. Hey sweetheart, I just picked up ten movies from the library and I’m making some popcorn. I know that’s not the answer either.

My intention: I show up fully present, engaged, relaxed, and expansive. I listen within, do what’s mine to do, and know that that’s enough.