My Complicated Affair with Food

Bliss. I’m still in my bathrobe at 11 AM, eating a most delicious bowl of hot oatmeal, the type that takes over half an hour to cook. I savor the flavors—nutmeg, cinnamon, cardamom, raisins, maple syrup, slow-cooked oats—when it hits me. We spend so much of our life focused on food. Just flip through Instagram or Facebook and you’ll see photo after photo of food.

Food.

During one of the weeklong fasts I do every year, I remember being blown away by how much more time, energy, and mental clarity I had. By contrast I became aware of the enormous amount of time, energy, and money I’d normally spend on food, from planning, preparing, and storing, to eating and digesting.

During the fast, I also began to notice my subconscious behavior patterns related to food. Since I wasn’t consuming food, only drink clear liquids, mostly water and herbal tea, my patterns were easier to see. I was amazed to discover all the ways I used, or misused, food.

One day while fasting, I was feeling particularly emotional and caught myself reaching for the cookie bag. Another time, I came close to putting a cookie in my mouth before I realized what I was doing, and then I quickly reminded myself I was fasting. I observed how my reaction to use food for comfort was so ingrained and automatic. Other subconscious patterns began to reveal themselves, and some were related to how I saw my body and my desire for weight loss.

I also began to perceive all the layers of meaning I’d piled onto food. The truth is food, like everything in our external world, is neutral. It only has the meaning we give it. I realized how food had come to have huge meaning for me in the ecological, political, social, health, and spiritual spheres. I saw how food for me had become larger than life, a false idol. Food had become a god.

I associated food with power, personal, political and ecological. I believed my food choices would impact the political and ecological landscape. I thought the best solution was growing your own food or purchasing local organic food. Although I didn’t grow my own food, I supported local farmers through CSA’s and farmer’s markets. Sometimes I’d pick my own food– wild edibles in local forests, fruit in local orchards, and vegetables in local fields.

I equated food as medicine. I’d spend huge amounts of time researching which foods, teas, herbal supplements I should include in my diet and which I should eliminate. I often would muscle test the best brand or from which source to purchase and would test if a food or herb was beneficial or detrimental to my health or the health of family members.

I associated food with social connection. I’d put food at the center of most of my social activities. This meant I’d eat out a lot. I lovedLiu has suffered cute-n-tiny.com order generic cialis from prostatitis for many years. going to restaurants, having others cook for me, having a variety of menu options, and most importantly, sharing food with friends. I also equated food with spiritual practice, which led me to fasting and to being a vegetarian for decades.

All this took time, energy, and attention.

Sometimes the different meanings I’d give food would clash. There was the time my friends invited me for a beautiful pasta dinner, but I was on a low carb and gluten-free diet. In this case, food as social connection clashed with food as medicine. When meanings would clash, I’d try to figure out the best food choices, including which food preferences to honor and which to toss aside.

In addition, I used food in more subtle ways. I’d turn to food for distracting myself, avoiding my issues, and numbing my feelings. I’d restrict food as self-punishment, for control, and for weight loss. It wasn’t uncommon to find myself thinking about food much of the time. I know I’m not alone.

But food is essential to life. We cannot simply give up our food obsession or addiction. We have to find another way.     

Over the years, my relationship with food has transformed. It is simpler now. I need food to live. I enjoy eating and sharing food. Other than that, I don’t give it too much thought. I’ve also healed my relationship to my body, coming to love it no matter what I weigh, how I age, or what my body shape or condition is compared to what I’d like it to be. I’ve learned to love my stomach even when it looks bloated.

I came to Earth to love. I love through my work in the world and through having a large family and even larger community. And, I love myself. I came here to enjoy sensual pleasures, such as a juicy orange, a gooey chocolate, and delicious sex. Now that I love myself, I no longer deny myself. Likewise, I no longer overindulge myself.

Food is neutral. It has no meaning other than what we give it. I choose to see food as one of the infinite ways we love.   

Food is love.