On August 1, 2015, my inner world shattered. That’s what it felt like anyway. What precipitated it began months earlier, but the tipping point happened that day. It was as if I’d stepped off a curb to cross the street, one I’d crossed dozens of times before, when a speeding tractor trailer came out of nowhere and skidded into me, shattering me along with my world on impact. Only in this case, the regular act was paying my bills and the speeding truck was a single thought.
That thought was, I will never truly get ahead or have enough, especially regarding finances and other worldly matters. It seemed to me I was on a gerbil wheel, going round and round yet never getting anywhere. And, I wasn’t alone. It appeared to be all a game, and the game was rigged.
I felt the uselessness of it all. At first, I was really pissed. Then came the hopelessness, along with a brief indulgence into despondency and depression. I wanted out. I wanted out of the game, my life, my marriage, my community, and basically, off the planet. It never occurred to me to actually commit suicide. Instead, I just let myself slowly slip under the waves of blackness and apathy, and left myself drowning there. I didn’t sleep all night, tossing and turning restlessly in a black sea.
On August 2nd, I walked around my home, through my life, like a zombie. What is this all for, I asked myself? I couldn’t talk with my husband or anyone close to me. I had never in our 25 years together completely stopped communicating with my husband, even during seeming times of conflict. During these first three days, I just disappeared inside myself. He later told me it felt like I’d divorced him. Even though I wasn’t speaking to anyone, I did write a poem and post it on Facebook. Maybe I was hoping my family and friends, especially my husband, would see it and understand where I’d disappeared to.
I knew I had to get out of the quicksand. So, in meditation I asked to see a larger perspective. What I saw disturbed me even more. I saw a pattern spanning lifetimes. The pattern was this: I worked hard and finally achieved my dreams—the marriage, house, kids, social connections, health, wealth, and career. Once there, I realized I wasn’t any happier. Unfulfilled and disappointed, I would do something crazy to crash the dream and go off looking for happiness elsewhere.
This subconscious pattern played out earlier in this lifetime and ended in a divorce at age 27. It threatened to repeat again, as I found myself at this pivotal place 26 years later, having fulfilled most of my dreams. This time I chose to see the pattern rather than repeat it.
On August 3rd, feelings of grief continued, coming over me in waves. When another wave hit me, I wondered why I was crying as nothing seemed amiss in the outer world. This time I asked to see from my soul’s perspective. From this new point of view, it all made perfect sense. My soul knew I would never find happiness in the outer world. I began to come out of my funk, gradually, little by little. Although I still had a lingering sense that most things in my life were meaningless and empty.Tomato levitra without prescription heritageihc.com is also good for liver health.
That night I had an amazing dream, really a soul experience I think, that was both hugely expansive and tremendously comforting. I woke up and immediately wrote a poem about the event. I decided it was time to break the silence with my husband, and I shared the poem him. On August 4th, it was time to go back to work and see clients. This brought me out of myself a bit more, and I realized everything I was saying to my clients was exactly what I needed to hear, which proved to be very healing.
Eleven weeks later, I have continued to gradually integrate this experience into my daily reality. The way I see it now, my inner world didn’t shatter. Rather, it was my attachment to the outer world that broke apart. It was this false foundation of my life that shattered. Even though intellectually I understood it was never real to begin with, it was something I’d invested incredible amounts of energy in over many lives. It’s no wonder the game seemed rigged. Since the outer world is based on impermanence and limitation, it can only lead to loss and lack.
Recently, I had another wave hit me, this time one of anger. I was angry I was a just a puppet in this rigged game. Later in meditation, I heard, “if you are a puppet, who is the puppeteer?” I laughed when I realized it was my soul. I figured I could live with that.
This understanding prompted me to invest my energy to creating heaven within. I knew if I looked for heaven outside of myself, such as in worldly success or in some distant place you can reach only after death, I’d never find it. I’d just keep chasing my tail. Instead, I discovered what I’d been searching for has been here all along. Unexpectedly, my inner work caused ripples in the outer world. I found if I radiated Heaven into the world, I’d see it reflected back.
I’m not there all of the time, and I still mourn the ”me I thought I was.” Not surprisingly, I’m hearing from many people who’ve had similar experience. We all talk about it differently. Some refer to it as a death, others say they’ve moved into a new dimension, and then there are those who cannot understand why they are grieving and crying all the time when nothing in the external world has changed. I dedicate this story to those fellow travelers. May you find the unlimited abundance, eternal joy, and heaven you’ve been searching for. It’s closer than you can imagine.
